Tiredness, hunger, and a low mood are a terrible combination which can make doing the things you need to do so much more difficult.
Yesterday was one of those days. I struggled with feelings of loneliness, missed my wife more than I normally allow myself to, and felt a general malaise. Before the day had even started it felt cursed.
I had awoken from such a sweet, satisfying dream, where I was laying in the arms of an unknown woman with nothing sexual involved, just in comfort with her, as she repeatedly told me she loved me.
Awakening from that feeling of being wanted and loved to my reality of being alone certainly set me off on the wrong foot. I felt so low and doubted if I would ever hear such words in my life again. Of course I have the love of my son for which I am truly blessed but my own heart just felt so empty.
This start, combined with the thoughts I struggle with each day, my son’s emotional well-being, lack of finances, work worries, left me in a delicate position. A stressful day at work only helped to compound the issue and by the time I got home I was physically and mentally drained.
The old me would have called it a day, shut down, lay on the sofa and not budged for the rest of the evening. Right then he was demanding my attention, yearning to take control, making me feel how easy it would be to just give in and lay down. That was very nearly the case until I reminded myself that if I want to be better, I have to do more, and remember the successful people who carry on regardless.
So I forced myself into my fitness wear and took to my little gym in the shed. That session wasn’t pretty and I wouldn’t have called it a great workout. But it was a workout none-the-less and by the time I was finished my mood had lifted just a bit. Enough to inspire me to get my rear end onto the seat in front of the computer.
Here again I wasn’t as productive as I could have been due to the barriers I faced because of my lack of technical ability. (I was trying to upgrade my blog, make it look better, and failing miserably). As a result very little actual writing was done. It certainly wasn’t the most productive of days, but it was productive. Any move forward, no matter how small, is still an advancement.
To further complicate matters I was keenly aware that my soon-to-be ex-wife was out socializing. As most of us who have, or are, suffering from unrequited love will tell you, the thought of the other person moving on with their life can be heartbreaking in itself never mind the possibility they could be meeting someone else. So that thought, combined with the fact our son didn’t receive his daily goodnight text, sent my mind reeling. And even though I was desperately tired and had went to bed, sleep was far from coming.
So, like an idiot, I got up and sent her a text, seeking confirmation of her moving on. As I sat at my kitchen table, awaiting what I thought would be another hurtful blow in the long list of such occurrences over the past months I picked up my pen and paper and got writing.
There is no point in trying to be better, of hoping to show other people, especially those who feel they have ‘missed the boat’, that they should always have hope if I only ever show my good side. The times that are easy, where happiness prevails. Because life isn’t like that. Hope is the thing that must be found and held onto in the dark days. The days where you feel so low that you question your very existence. That’s when it’s needed most, to give you the strength to continue. It’s the gift we all need.
So here I am. It’s currently 12:21am. I have to get up to do an extra days work at 7am (part of my being better by doing more philosophy) and just by writing this I feel a little light has come glimmering through. If you want to be better you must persevere. Tell yourself there is no going back, no stagnation.
The biggest struggle is always going to be with yourself and your own mind. If you want to be better it means you are not entirely happy with the you now. Do you really want that person controlling you? Or do you want to endure your negative feelings and forge a better, happier you?
These days, the low dark days, the days that are harder than most, are the defining days. These are the ones that have the potential to break you. But if you see that and realise that your biggest gift, your own advancement and growth, can be bourne from days like this you see them as something far greater. They are an opportunity. A chance to rise to your own challenge. Find the gift in them and give light to that darkness.