If I had to sum up the way I have been feeling today it would be best written in all capital letters: FUCKING ANGRY. (I really don’t curse much and especially don’t like to see it in my writing but on this occasion it perfectly conveys my feelings).
In hindsight it had been building from the previous day, not in any big dramatic way, but just through lots of little things like a delivery I was waiting on that went from, it will be here tomorrow, to when tomorrow came around being told it would be here the day after, and then a few hours later, you delivery will be here between 11am and noon today. Frustrating to say the least considering I had to make arrangements at work to accommodate being home to sign for it.
Then it was other people’s mistakes at work effecting my own proficiency. Then there was the road works right at the entrance to my street which meant I had to take an extra mile and a half diversion to enter the street from the other side. Then as I had worked late I had no time for my exercise, my writing. and then, to top it off, a recurring gum infection had kicked in. Even so at the end of the evening I had only felt a mild irritation, nothing more than could be considered usual for anyone going about the daily grind. But that was just yesterday.
Today was something else entirely. Today was all on me. At the beginning of the day I actually felt ok. I left my boy to school, took the 20 minute drive to work, which, despite the fact the car in front was driving painfully slow and I couldn’t take my usual quicker route through the nearby mountains due to the icy conditions, I still felt quite calm. Even with the additional slowness and added distance to drive I had still managed to make it to work with a few minutes to spare. So I entered my work feeling relatively happy and calm.
It didn’t take long for that calmness to disappear. Even now I can’t quite put my finger on what caused my mental transformation. In fact, right at this moment, even after pushing myself harder than usual in my little shed gym and feeling physically exhausted, I can still feel it within me. Like a tight ball of tension squeezed so small but filled with energy ready to explode at any moment with the power of a star going supernova. The momentary reprieve ready to let loose with all that repressed anger as I sit and write in my chair.
Within minutes of being at work I was a sniping, snarky, little so-and-so. One person who had said hello received a brisk retort about how I was a bit pissed at them for their poor work which had effected mine. (It ended up not entirely being their fault). I hadn’t even said hello or good morning back. (One small blessing from today however was when I apologised to him later. I said sorry and that I wasn’t even going to offer any excuses. I should not have spoken like that. Thankfully, and more than welcomely, he said: “Don’t worry about it Chris”. And with a big smile on his face he grabbed me in a one-armed hug and added: “We all have our bad days”. That simple gesture was more than I deserved and certainly showed to me who the bigger man was. My respect for that man certainly went up a very large notch after that).
Even after that slight reprieve my day didn’t really improve much from then on. I just felt continually tense, bubbling with a tremendous anger. I am not a violent person but I found myself secretly wishing for someone to offend me or give me cause to lash out. At one stage it had become so bad I was starting to doubt my sanity. I have never felt such a burning, festering anger. Even throughout the tough early days of my separation.
The worst of it all is that there was actually nothing really wrong with my day, no big hurdle to cross. It was just an ordinary day really. I started thinking maybe it had something to do with the fact that I have stopped smoking marijuana. I was an habitual smoker for over 20 years and actually found it remarkably easy to quit. I just decided one day enough was enough. And that was it. Only an odd day does the thought cross my mind but as quickly as it comes I push it away again with my rationality. I’m not even sure if that is the reason though. I also know I have some unresolved issues floating around but they too are nothing more than I would deem the usual. Problems I have faced before.
Even upon further reflection I still don’t have any answers for this one. So for now I will sit in this angry chair and contain it the best I can. I guess I’ll just have to wait to see what tomorrow will bring.