As we all know life can be filled with wonder. There are times of joy and bliss. Times when the way is all too clear. This is not one of those times.
If you’ve read any of my posts you will see I am all about trying to be positive, trying to improve, trying to find the best way forward. Trying to be better.
Right now, however, my emotions are running high. Fuelled with hurt, frustration and anger. I’m desperately trying to find the right path to take, the right approach to a problem. But my heart and my mind are being torn asunder. Even trying to write this post I feel disjointed, uneasy. Like trying to drive through a thick red fog.
In my last post (Corners and Curveballs) I talked about my son being ill and I unwell, and the possible ramifications we might face because of that. Well, that was yesterday. Today has been much worse.
It started quite normal. I had to visit a dentist at 8:50am so I had to take my son with me. I phoned his school and my work to inform them we would be running late. That was fine. The visit went well. My boy was even laughing after as one side of my face was wrinkle free and my smile lopsided.
When we got home and I got changed for work his demeanor darkened. He still wasn’t 100 percent from the bug he had but I knew that wasn’t it. In fact, I knew all too well what it was as I’ve seen that change in him many times over the past 10 months. He was missing his mum. Thinking about his hurt. How he feels she has left him.
As soon as we got into the car he burst into tears. I tried to console him, feeling helpless, whilst at the same time being oh so conscious of how we can’t be missing this day at school or work. We sat in the car for over 45 mins with his sobs going from mild to uncontrollable. Even though it was cutting through me and my heart was breaking I knew we couldn’t do this, not again. The risks it presents growing ever so much larger.
Then his mum was on the phone: “Has he went to school?”. Once told, I got the same reactions as always, the same obvious statements that I am keenly aware off: “He has to go in”, “The Educational Welfare Officer must be called”, “I’m coming to take him in”. When he heard this it only exasperated the situation and made him more frantic. (A few weeks ago he had said he never wants her to take him to, or pick him up from, school). I tried to remain calm, the stresses still building. I said I would call later and hung up the phone.
I spoke calmly to my boy. I needed him to be strong. We would walk in together across the playground hand in hand. No one will be any the wiser, no one else involved. Mercifully he agreed amidst the sobs. I kept him talking on the way, talked some more as we entered the school. Measuring my words. I could see he was teetering on a verge, but his courage saved us. At least for today.
When I picked him up after and he got in the car the first thing he asked was if mummy was calling this evening. I said that was up to him. The reply was swift. He had decided even before the question was asked. “No”.
We didn’t go straight home. I wanted to treat him. So we drove to an ice-cream place he is fond off, at a seaside town some miles up the road.
When we arrived home there was a text from his mum asking if she could see him this evening. I replied no. Then it was a question of why? At this stage we were doing his homework. So I was trying to help with that as I also tried to be supportive to his obviously saddened mum. As this was happening he then told me how they had to make hearts in school today and how he did his with an angry face on it. Then he showed me a poem he had written (See below). They had to write about love. And it almost broke me.
So I’m feeling upset and sad for my boy. As his mother sends me texts with her woes. How she feels lost and can’t do anything but wrongs. I tell her my heart and my head are fighting a battle, that I’m almost ready to break. Of course I’ll help in trying to fix their relationship. But I cannot make up for her failings. I can’t listen to how she is feeling. My son’s heart is broken and mine too. I can’t make room for the one who cast me aside, cast us aside.
This evening I’ve noticed I have had my face in my hands a lot. A lot of exasperated breaths are being released. I’m fighting with myself. Fighting for control. I have to keep doing what is right. I’m just struggling right now with what that might be. What’s right for him? What’s right for me?
I’m feeling overwhelmed and want to sooth his soul. Let him know it will be alright. But some holes I cannot fill.
So I look at the poem, the word nice purposely misspelt (It’s a meme he likes) and I know to me it is directed. But the last line is the most telling of all.
Thing is, when I am on this quest of being better, and have looked at my failings and failures, and see the steps I must take. That’s easier. I know how to fix me. But when it comes to my boy and his mother I am at a loss.
This is one of those times I just don’t have an answer, and I’m telling you all to show how things don’t always run smooth. Sometimes we don’t know what to do or if there is a right solution? But things always change so I’m holding on for a change right now. Hopefully a change in the right direction.