You might not have guessed it, but I have written 3 blog posts this week. They are 3 posts dealing with inspiration, growth, finding time and not excuses. Three posts you may, or may not, see.
You might think why? To that I would answer there is one reason, and one reason only. It’s the reason I feel a bit deflated, the reason why I feel a bit low, the reason I am struggling to think the thoughts that I know are best for me. Thing is, I can’t write or post things I don’t feel at that moment. That would be untrue. The reason then? It’s best summed up in 4 words. I miss my wife.
This simple fact has been troubling me for days. I have seen her almost every day since last Thursday. I have even been dreaming about her just as much. I cannot avoid her in life or in sleep. And I am finding that very hard.
I know she’s gone. Never coming back. I know I’ve only myself to blame. There is no resentment, no hate. I just can’t stop thinking about her.
Every piece of advice I read or listen to about getting over a break up all say the same thing. You need distance. Stop calling them, stop texting. Cut them out of your life.
That’s not an option for me. Not when I know I’m the one who can help her with the fractured relationship she has with our son. He needs her. She needs him. I need them both to be whole. A son needs his mother. But it doesn’t help me.
Right now I am being consumed. As it’s the school holidays she is coming to the house to look after him while I go to work. She’s here in the morning when I leave. Here when I return. And even though our boy may be away out playing with his friends she still hangs around. Just talking about things like she would with any friend.
I am keenly aware that the path to improvement is far from smooth. Inspiration, elevation, can falter. Dealing with separation on top of that means deep lonely thoughts can come flickering through. This time I just can’t stop them. My head is sore from the strain. Low from the loneliness.
The reason I am telling you this is so you can see that no matter your best intentions, sometimes it is a struggle. The path isn’t always clear, the skies not always blue. And I’m maybe hoping that by writing this down it will help me let go. Maybe a day will come where I’ll be embarrassed about how I felt. How I let her unknowingly affect me so. Maybe that day isn’t too far away. Who knows?
I guess I’m really missing love. The love only a partner can provide. The love that makes you feel you are not alone. The love that makes your house a home.
The worst of it is I don’t think I will ever have that again. I don’t think I can ever let my heart be so open to exposure, give it to another single soul. Oh I have love for other people, and of course my son. But I don’t think I can give myself to just one person. At this time I don’t even want to.
True love is a rare, beautiful thing. I’ve had my chance. Through ignorance and selfish stupidity I let it go to waste. I have to live with that. Be more accepting in time.
But today, right now, I’m even finding the words difficult to write. I miss my wife.