Wasted Love

You might not have guessed it, but I have written 3 blog posts this week. They are 3 posts dealing with inspiration, growth, finding time and not excuses. Three posts you may, or may not, see.

You might think why? To that I would answer there is one reason, and one reason only. It’s the reason I feel a bit deflated, the reason why I feel a bit low, the reason I am struggling to think the thoughts that I know are best for me. Thing is, I can’t write or post things I don’t feel at that moment. That would be untrue. The reason then? It’s best summed up in 4 words. I miss my wife.

This simple fact has been troubling me for days. I have seen her almost every day since last Thursday. I have even been dreaming about her just as much. I cannot avoid her in life or in sleep. And I am finding that very hard.

I know she’s gone. Never coming back. I know I’ve only myself to blame. There is no resentment, no hate. I just can’t stop thinking about her.

Every piece of advice I read or listen to about getting over a break up all say the same thing. You need distance. Stop calling them, stop texting. Cut them out of your life.

That’s not an option for me. Not when I know I’m the one who can help her with the fractured relationship she has with our son. He needs her. She needs him. I need them both to be whole. A son needs his mother. But it doesn’t help me.

Right now I am being consumed. As it’s the school holidays she is coming to the house to look after him while I go to work. She’s here in the morning when I leave. Here when I return. And even though our boy may be away out playing with his friends she still hangs around. Just talking about things like she would with any friend.

I am keenly aware that the path to improvement is far from smooth. Inspiration, elevation, can falter. Dealing with separation on top of that means deep lonely thoughts can come flickering through. This time I just can’t stop them. My head is sore from the strain. Low from the loneliness.

The reason I am telling you this is so you can see that no matter your best intentions, sometimes it is a struggle. The path isn’t always clear, the skies not always blue. And I’m maybe hoping that by writing this down it will help me let go. Maybe a day will come where I’ll be embarrassed about how I felt. How I let her unknowingly affect me so. Maybe that day isn’t too far away. Who knows?

I guess I’m really missing love. The love only a partner can provide. The love that makes you feel you are not alone. The love that makes your house a home.

The worst of it is I don’t think I will ever have that again. I don’t think I can ever let my heart be so open to exposure, give it to another single soul. Oh I have love for other people, and of course my son. But I don’t think I can give myself to just one person. At this time I don’t even want to.

True love is a rare, beautiful thing. I’ve had my chance. Through ignorance and selfish stupidity I let it go to waste. I have to live with that. Be more accepting in time.

But today, right now, I’m even finding the words difficult to write. I miss my wife.

16 thoughts on “Wasted Love

  1. Relationships are way much more complicated to be understood.
    Hoping you’ll cope up and figure out solution soon.
    I really wish, may everything go alright .

    All for now I can say is,
    Just hang in there, Never lose hope & Trust in the process. ✌

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand your struggle, as I’m sure so many people reading this do. I used to try to fight my feelings and that’s the equivalent of telling a volcano to not erupt when it’s ready to explode. So, we just let the heart feel what it feels. It’s like a wound. It goes through stages of healing and some of those stages aren’t the prettiest. But, eventually, things will smooth out. Your heart is wounded right now (missing your wife). So, there’s nothing wrong with feeling that pain, because that’s what makes you human and it shows that your heart is still working as it’s supposed to work. Nothing wrong with that at all. A month or two from now, your heart may not feel that pain as intensely. It may be easier to deal with. So, give yourself time and don’t feel bad. I hope things lift up for you soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such an understanding comment and sound advice. I know it will just take time. Just having a few bad days I suppose. It’s been almost a year. Thought I was over the worst of it. Apparently not.
      I appreciate the hope…and the smiley face. Thanks again. Best wishes to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s not wasted love, it’s a love you hold dear to your heart. And you both came out from it wiser – learning a thing or two about it. As Abji noted above, hang in there. You don’t know where this may lead. btw, is your ex-wife in another relationship? ~ Bernice

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate your thoughts. Wiser, yes, but also a bit more wary. Oh I will always hang in there, and especially be strong for my son. Was just having a weak, selfish, moment or two.
      I think my ex is in a similar position as she has said she’s in no hurry to find someone even though she has been approached.
      Thank you for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. life is never a clear path, in that your heart is healing, though it hurts so much now. You are on the right track. you can read all those self help books or articles but we are all different, we think and feel different thoughts. what will heal is time. you can’t avoid contact with her and both parents must continue to nurture a child, these are some important things to be strict about. i know what loneliness is, it grips you and makes you reckless and you cannot stop its power. allow yourself the grace to feel the missing and the life void of love, for a spell, like every thing it will pass. opening yourself to another relationship now would be so very painful to you. i had to really be focused on my priorities. We miss the things that gave routine to our lives. i missed being a family but i did not miss the toxic relationship that came as a package. write about it, when you write you let go of these burdens, you can look back on it anyway you want, but these are your feelings that need a place to rest. be blessed Chris, am holding you in the light.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gina, as always your words are so thoughtful and comforting. I realise the importance she has in our son’s life and wellbeing and will always set aside my own feelings in regards to that.
      Right now I feel I may never open myself to another relationship. At the very least not for a long long time. It wouldn’t be fair on them or me or my son. My only priority is my boy and I am happy to take a back seat to ensure his stability which is quite fragile at the moment.
      Writing certainly helps me to let things go, keep myself accountable. I know in time it will all work out, one way or another.
      Thank you for your welcome insight and blessings. They are always appreciated. Much love to you and yours.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. it will all work out, you are right, keep focused on that. I enjoy your sharing because you are honest about the important things and don’t hold back, you have a generous heart and one day the right person will appreciate that and you. promise me you won’t give up hope on love, I haven;t and I am really old!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Love your optimism and am quite surprised you haven’t found someone special yet as you come across as a very kind and loving lady! Your day will definitely come.
        Again I appreciate your honesty and thoughts. Your comment is the first thing I’ve read this morning and it is very uplifting. Thank you for that.
        Much love to your good self and family

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Auch, thank you very much Suki. Feeling much better at having released it. Been bottling it up for a good few days and certainly don’t want to tell her. That wouldn’t do any good at all.
      Am sure things will get easier. They mostly are already. More time will certainly help.
      Much love to you and yours.

      Liked by 2 people

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