When Things Get On Top Of You

I feel broken.

In truth it has been building for days. That palpable sense of unease. That dark cloud looming on the horizon. The storm that was swelling.

It just let loose. It’s flooding my mind.

Thing is, I’m not going to let it stop me from doing what I have to do. I’m not going to let my mind defeat me the way it used to even though right now I just want to curl up on the sofa.

As I’m jotting this down I’m trying to make dinner. I’ve opened the wrong cupboards looking for ingredients I know are not there. I know the potatoes are kept in the tall cupboard beside the fridge. I looked in the one that contains the canned goods. I know the vegetable oil is in the cupboard above the oven. I opened the cupboard that contains the plates. There are no cooking items or foodstuffs even in there.

My phone is buzzing. Notifications from WordPress. I know I have to be respectful. Especially to the people I do respect. I know there are comments to reply to. Posts saved that I have scanned but not read. I just can’t face them this minute. I know I will.

Sometimes it’s easy to hide behind words on a screen. Words can belie how low you are really feeling. I can’t even do that right now.

When Things Get On Top Of You
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So what happened?

I’ve been allowing certain thoughts to enter my mind. Thoughts I have no right to entertain. Dwelling on the past. A love that was lost.

I made the mistake of reading something about heartbreak and loneliness. I really should have waited until I was in a better frame of mind. It was a beautiful post. But like the spectre of lost love it is haunting me.

My son is in the living room waiting for his dinner. He’s watching YouTube. He has no idea how I’m feeling.

Earlier I saw a girl I know but haven’t seen in a while. She was in a hurry. Literally running past me. She smiled, said: “Hello Chris”, as she was passing. I said hello back.

It made me realise that with the exception of my soon-to-be ex-wife I haven’t actually spoken to another woman besides my mother and sister in weeks, maybe more.

When Things Get On Top Of You
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I saw a few posts earlier about being grateful. The rational side of my mind is telling me I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a son who loves, and lives with, me. Few separated fathers have that blessing. I am in good health. I have good friends. A house. A job.

The irrational side is screaming at me to ignore all that.

Anyone who reads what I write will notice one thing. I write from the heart. Most times that heart is filled with love, life, positivity, optimism.

Right now that heart is a bit too heavy. I can feel its weight.

Dinner is almost ready. I have to go for now. The cat is still at the window. She’s telling me not to forget… https://potheadtoprovidence.com/2019/02/10/the-cat-at-the-window-a-lesson-to-learn/

When Things Get On Top Of You
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Part 2

What you read above was a glimpse of what happens when things get on top of me. We all have our little demons. And mine was prodding me with its pitchfork of self-pity, loneliness, negativity and sadness.

At the same time I was trying to regain control. I still knew the daily things I had to do. I must do if I’m to make things better. I knew that at times like that the most important thing is to keep going. Keep persisting (Thanks cat). There’s a lot to be said about movement.

I gave my son his dinner. We sat and ate together and talked about Fortnite. Just as we were finished his friends called and he went out to play.

It took me longer than usual to clean up and get the dishes done. I put the washing machine on after. There was a moment where I could have easily just gave in. Said I was done for the day. The person I was before wouldn’t even have hesitated.

When Things Get On Top Of You
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I forced myself out to my little gym. The routine I have seemed harder than usual. I made a point of not cutting it short. I haven’t done that and have no intention to. I’m not selling myself short anymore.

Afterwards I had a quick shower. Normally then I do a bit of writing. Work on my blog and other little projects. Not tonight. I needed time being close to my son. We just sat on the sofa the rest of the evening. My mood had lifted.

His mother called after a while. We had a civil conversation. At the back of my mind I still felt the regret. The regret that the person I was had pushed her away. That’s on me and me alone.

When she left it was time for bed. My son and I both went upstairs. As he fell asleep I kept thinking about how I no longer have the luxury, nor time, not to get my daily tasks done.

I reminded myself of what it takes to forge the life you want. I reminded myself of all those successful people I am constantly listening to. I reminded myself.

So up I got. The frantic train of thought from earlier got typed up. The addition made to show how things went after. And now I’m going to do a little more work elsewhere.

When Things Get On Top Of You
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But there is a point to the post. It’s actually a point taken from one of my earliest posts. The one entitled A Low Day. This was my first real low day since then but the message is even more pertinent now. As much for myself or anyone else.

“The biggest struggle is always going to be with yourself and your own mind. If you want to be better it means you are not entirely happy with the you now. Do you really want that person controlling you? Or do you want to endure your negative feelings and forge a better, happier you?”

“These days, the low dark days, the days that are harder than most, are the defining days. These are the ones that have the potential to break you. But if you see that and realise that your biggest gift, your own advancement and growth, can be bourne from days like this you see them as something far greater. They are an opportunity. A chance to rise to your own challenge. Find the gift in them and give light to that darkness.”

It’s getting close to 12pm. It might be dark outside. But I’ve found my light. I hope anyone else who is struggling finds theirs to.

25 thoughts on “When Things Get On Top Of You

    1. It actually helps knowing that others feel like this sometimes too Diane. Thank you!
      Glad you could appreciate and thanks for taking the time to comment.
      Best wishes to you πŸ™‚

  1. Feelings from the long past are ALWAYS there bubbling under the surface. Its not easy staying grounded in present time with so much loss from earlier attachments going around or being triggered. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing so well. Just remember that.

    1. Thank you for your kind words! I guess having to face them everyday gets a bit tiring sometimes.
      I appreciate your encouragement πŸ™‚
      Best wishes to your good self!

      1. Well my experience is that when we really face that pain it tells us so much about our heart. I have been through so many broken painful connections with men that I understand that experience from the other side. I am working to do so….. πŸ™‚ thanks

      2. It certainly is true how facing pain tells us so much about our heart.
        It’s a lesson hard learned unfortunately.
        Hopefully you will find the connection you deserve! Good luck πŸ™‚

  2. It’s one of those days where you just want to sleep, to give up and stop fighting, I’ve been there, actually I still many days I still feel the same, but as you, I decide to not let these thoughts control me! You just didn’t give up, that’s it! You got it!
    It’s easier to give up, always! So your decision to share your thoughts, to share how down you feel and then to decide to conquer it, is the gist of this!
    Yes we are grateful for many things and we always try to remind ourselves of what we have instead of what we don’t, but there are some major things in life that leave a hole if missing, like love and healthy relationships, which I personally believe they are very important and the lack of it, can be destructive
    Thank you for sharing the struggle and the victory as well! It’s just a bad day and tomorrow is another day πŸ™‚

    1. It was pretty tough. And really all in my own head. I guess I was missing having someone by my side. Someone to confide in. Feel closeness with. Oh well, C’est la vie.
      As for giving up. That’s not even an option.
      Sharing helps me as much as I hope it helps others.
      Today has been much better thankfully.
      I hope it has been good for you and your new post has worked out to your satisfaction.
      Much love to you Huguette πŸ™‚

      1. Yes I know, it’s always in our head, the world will keep moving, it’s just us! Glad that giving up is not an option, it’s the point of all this, never give up!
        Hope you will meet someone that fulfill your needs and expectations…
        Well when you have time, you can check and hope you will like it πŸ™‚
        Much love to you πŸ™‚

      2. Appreciate the love Huguette 😊
        Yes, it is just us. I think for various reasons we sometimes makes things unnecessarily more difficult.
        Thanks for the hope! Maybe in time..
        Oh and I will certainly get round to reading it. I always make a point of doing so πŸ™‚

      3. My pleasure 😊 wish you all the best always
        Yes I know you will πŸ‘ thank you for your loyalty and respect 😊 have a good afternoon

  3. It can be said that there are two kinds of suffering. Perhaps ninety-five percent of the suffering we endure every day is not at all necessary. Because of our lack of insight, we cause suffering to ourselves and others, including our beloved ones. But the remaining five percent is born out of contact with the real suffering around us and inside of us. To be aware of this kind of suffering brings about compassion, the energy necessary to transform ourselves and help relieve the suffering of the world.

    – Thich Nhat Hanh (i hope this helps to give you a bit of positive insight)

  4. i have been there too Chris and sometimes feeling so alone bringing up my kids I felt it all so overwhelming, but like you writing helped, but it was always in my journal, till my daughter suggested i start a blog and that is how i am here and its been a journey of self healing for me too. we are allowed to fall and fail, important is that we get back up again. I really appreciate you taking the time to write. Personal sharing can be scary and I admire your courage.

    1. I appreciate and value your insight Gina.
      It is all very well having the love of your children but it does present an added consideration when seeking someone for yourself. Not that I am even looking mind you. Just some female company would be nice. Am sure that time will come…
      Writing certainly helps with healing and growing. I am glad it has helped you too!
      Much love to you and yours πŸ™‚

      1. oh don’t get me wrong there, I would appreciate the same kind of male companionship but my trust has been abused in the past and so I am really careful who I let into my world, I am also cautious that my kids aren’t hurt by my own selfish pursuits, it is a delicate balancing act, in the end I realise our happiness as a family comes before my own personal needs. we are all built differently and if it works for you, do reach out to someone, I still hold on to the hope that the right person is out there somewhere, but not in a rush to find him! Soon after my divorce that seemed like a priority as my marriage was an unhappy one but I became disillusioned and found that feeding my mind and spirit made me happier than trying to please and sustain shallow egos. oh I am going on here, but I hope you get what I mean. I would hope to fall in love and have all those feelings again, but not willing to sacrifice the peace and balance I have now just for anyone, if that makes sense. I have worked hard, as you are also have been doing now to get to this place of inner equilibrium, it can take very little to upset it. have a good night and keep on writing, your thoughts are very enlightening.

      2. Thank you very much Gina. You certainly weren’t ‘going on’. I can relate to everything you were saying. Especially about your worry over hurting your kids with selfish pursuits. They are what’s more important after all. In my mind if I ever did meet someone, and that is a big if, it would be a very long time before they even met my boy. Our main priority is their protection.
        I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you’ve faced and endured but am glad you have reached a place of inner equilibrium.
        You seem like a delightful lady and I really hope you find the love you deserve ❀
        It is flattering that you feel my thoughts are enlightening. Thank you.
        Much love to you and your wonderful family. Especially your daughter who got you blogging. Otherwise I would never have benefited from your sage advice as I’m sure others have as well. Hugs and love πŸ™‚

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