It’s safe to assume we’ve all got something on our minds that we have to deal with. It could be something life-changing or something fairly innocuous but just enough to be bugging us. If you have that something right now you’ll know what I am writing about. It’s the thing you where you would much rather do something else, much rather put off, than actually face it.
The thing is, it is probably taking up quite a bit of your thoughts, your time, causing you a certain level of anxiety, even fear. You’ve probably even been running through a variety of different scenarios in regards to how that issue will go when confronted. What the possible outcomes will be.
At best, the result could be what you really wish for. At worst, it could be the type of situation where there is no good result. Just a result with varying levels of heartbreak or hurt. With more worry and anxiety added to the mix.
We always hear about people talking about procrastination. The Cambridge dictionary says that to procrastinate is ‘to keep delaying something that must be done, often because it is unpleasant or boring’. But usually people are applying that to a particular task, like work that has to be done, something physical.
Less often is it applied to a difficult conversation that must be had. A conversation that isn’t work related but something personal. It may even be a conversation you just have to have with yourself. Something which could affect your life in ways you may not necessarily welcome.
It might just be something that is niggling at the back of your mind. Something that just doesn’t feel quite right. Something that doesn’t really have a big effect on your life just yet. But it’s there. You know it.
You just might not want to admit it. Might not want to face it. You might even rationalise that it is such a small thing that if it becomes vocalised it could turn into something much larger and that is something you feel you really don’t want.
The problem is, if you have any such decisions, or conversations, looming ahead of you, and you haven’t done anything about them, you will be in constant fear of them. They will always be on your mind. The bigger the problem or imagined consequence, the less you might actually want to face it. The bigger the fear you will carry because of it. Some people carry those fears for days, weeks, even years.
We’ve all been in a position where we have had to face a situation like this at some time or another. A situation where we have had a build-up to making a decision. We’ve probably thought about it for quite a while, prepared for all the possible outcomes, prepared all those erudite and eloquent responses in our heads, only to find that when the time comes the actual outcome is nothing like we imagined. Things are said we weren’t expecting. The reaction not what we believed would happen.
Just to be clear. I am writing this as someone who is experiencing all this right now. I have something I need to face. I think I have thought of all the possible outcomes. Really, I don’t know what to expect. I’ve prepared for the worst. I am hoping for the best.
This has only come about after a dream I had where the ‘worst’, and possibly the truest, outcome was repeatedly thrust in my face. I don’t know if it was my subconscious mind trying to get me to face up to my reality. A reality I am having difficulty with. A reality I am not too clear on either. It’s hard to tell with dreams.
A combination of this and a blog post and comment I read from the blogger in question the following morning made my mind up for me. And inspired me with this post. (Thanks Suki! https://baffledmum.com/ )
Thing is, that day I had 2 opportunities to face my difficulty. And I still didn’t. As I’m writing this now I’m telling myself today is the day. That opportunity is coming around again. I cannot delay any longer. I must have courage. I need the truth. Only through the truth can I see where I stand. Only through the truth can I see the road I must be on. Only through the truth. No matter what that truth may be.
Does it not make sense? Why wait for the problem to come to you? Why not face it before it faces you? At least then you will be in the position of being on surer ground. It might not be the ground you want to stand on. But at least it will be solid. It will be your ground. Not someone elses. You’ll be instigating not just receiving.
You won’t feel like the boxer on the ropes trying desperately to defend against the onslaught. You’ll be standing tall, with your guard up. Standing face on. Ready for the challenge!
P.s. The opportunity didn’t come around as hoped today. It might later. All I know is the next time it does it will be faced. That’s the only way forward.
Update: So I got the chance. The opportunity I was waiting for. It still took me 2 consecutive cups of tea before I could muster the courage to say what I needed to.
At the moment I’m finding it difficult to pick the right words. The conversation is over. In actual fact, it is not just the conversation that is over. It’s a chapter in my life. It’s finished, done.
I am quite sad about that. I’m not entirely surprised. It was half what I expected. Let’s just say my subconscious mind was right. There is a reality I now know for sure I have to deal with. I’m not really ok with that. But that’s for me to live with. To get over.
It’s not all bad though. I surprised myself with a new sense of composure. Normally, when I am dealing with something emotional, especially something life-changing, I can get very flustered, annoyed, angry. Not this time. I put into practice the things I have learned. I was calm, collected. I was facing this on the terms I imposed upon myself. Not someone elses.
I also now know where a line has been firmly drawn. I know where and where not my future thoughts shall dwell. Yes, there is a sadness. Yes, I secretly hoped it wouldn’t turn out the way it did. Oh, how I hoped.
At least now I can move forward, move on. My heavy heart will lighten. A new chapter will be written. My story isn’t over yet.